Gavin Kirk

working at midnight

Gavin Kirk — Tue, 18 May 2010 19:52:24 +0000

Scrubbing toilets and mopping hallways, cleaning kitchens and vacuuming carpets while everyone, well most everyone, sleeps soundly has taken me a little bit to get used to, but I’ve come to enjoy it. I find myself free during the day when everyone else is doing their work and free during the night in the stillness and the quiet as I myself work. At first I felt jet-lagged and lonely, but now I feel like I’ve adjusted to my own personal time zone, and have acquainted myself with those around me who’ve graciously included me in their conversations during the waking hours and dinner tables at meal times. I feel less lonely than I did during the school year and more a part of a community. I still have fought myself over going to church, but I’ve made a goal to commit to one over the summer. Campus is peaceful now and there isn’t many people here. That will change with the coming of conferences and church groups very soon. Now is the time in between graduation when the seniors became alumni and everyone was buzzing about carrying boxes and mini-refrigerators, packing over stuffed cars and the summer conferences. My supervisors are nice to me and so are my coworkers. I’m still getting to know everyone and still coming up with some sort of routine for these odd hours, but it is coming along very nicely. I am happy with how my first semester back in college has gone for the most part. It took me a while to get use to the deadlines and the regular studying once again, but I did okay. I know I need to be a little bit more disciplined for the next semester and am praying that I would be able to pull through with it. I want to go to some place like Harvard for graduate school. Every time I think of it, it makes me blush a little. “What an audacious goal for someone who works as a summertime janitor and hasn’t done much to save the world with his life.” I think to myself in protest. But the thought or hope or whatever you want to call it is still there. There is much doubt in my mind that I could get into a place like Harvard considering my experience with my previous college. I pray to God about it and I don’t think I have any answers. The only conclusion that I have is hard work, but I realize that hard work has it’s limits. I worked hard at my previous college but didn’t get anywhere. I think now is the time for creativity in the spirit of G. K. Chesterton and less of hard work although there will be plenty of it. Now is the time for enjoyment and curiosity and journeying a little bit further than I would normally go. Now is the time not to be embarrassed too much but to embrace diversity and uniqueness. Now is the time of poetry and music and adventure. Going to a place like Harvard, ironically, fills my mind as I scrub the public toilets and mop the hallways, but I dare not speak of it. It is my greatest secrete and one of my greatest motivations, but I will try not to idolize it. And realize that with God’s help I will be able to flourish wherever I go, whatever I do, for His yoke is light. Henri Nouwen taught at Harvard and left to take care of the people at L’arche in Canada. I am glad he did that, and I think about him as I journey through college. He used words like “downward mobility” to describe the path of Jesus. I think if I want to pursue theology and ministry, downward mobility and incarnational will be words that I will indwell, even if it means being an ordinary person. I have already discovered in my late night conversations with my co-workers that I have much to learn from those around me, be they six years younger and rising sophmores in college or twenty years older and have worked cleaning and scrubbing all their life. I can not help to think that someway somehow God cares for this odd hour group of people at the small rural college called Messiah in central Pennsylvania and that He cares for what we do and cares about our late night conversations and the way we learn from one another.

I pray that you will know God’s love for you today.

why college? (part ii)

Gavin Kirk — Sun, 09 May 2010 13:51:46 +0000

“A great good will impart great good. If then the intellect is so excellent a portion of us, and its cultivation so excellent, it is not only beautiful, perfect, admirable, and noble in itself, but in a true and high sense it must be useful to the possessor and to all around him… …diffusing good, or as a blessing, or a gift, or power, or a treasure, first to the owner, then through him to the world. I say then, if a liberal education be good, it must necessarily be useful too.” (John Henry Newman, the Idea of a University)

This quote definitely gives me food for thought and pause as I think about my decision whether or not to stay in college. I feel inadequate even on expanding on this eloquent snippet from Newman. What is beautiful about what he is saying here is that if one pursues the liberal arts then the pay off is there, the use is there. It may not be as evident or tangible as other things, but nonetheless it persists and persists to make the world a better place. It is hard to trust in that for me, but I’m able to, I think, because of people who I know who’ve actually embraced that sort of mindset. And it is a thing of beauty, and I have to say that deep down in me somewhere I believe it does in some way, I believe in faith, make the world a better place.
Peace be with you today.

why go to college?

Gavin Kirk — Sat, 08 May 2010 12:28:10 +0000

I think although college is pretty much expected today in our country, you could probably get by without it. So why go? I think the answer is not as obvious as it might seem. I think probably the number one reason people go to college is just because of an expectation put on them by society or by their parents. This I believe almost defeats the reason of going to college. I’m not saying you shouldn’t encourage people to go to college or educate them about college, I’m just saying that if after this they don’t want to go they might be better off trying something else for a while. I left college and went to Yellowstone, then I moved to Oregon and I learned more during these times than I had learned in my previous years on campus. I think probably the next top reasons that people go to college have to do with getting paid higher salary. Here again, although this is a useful reason to go to college, I think it probably falls short of the essence of university education.

Now, before I get to far in, I just want to say that I’ve been grappling over this issue a lot recently, because I’m paying (or going to pay as it is) a lot of money for my college education. I primarily enrolled at Messiah College in order to study music and to get into seminary. Now both of these reasons no longer exists. A music major wasn’t a possibility for me and I found a legitimate seminary that doesn’t require you to have a bachelor’s degree. I’m now a liberal arts major and minoring in music… Now as I finish up my final exams and enter summer the thought of just jumping right into seminary is very appealing to me, honestly, very appealing. I’m twenty five, I’m not going to graduate until I’m twenty seven, then seminary for three to six years, let’s say five making me thirty two by the time I’ve graduated with probably tons of student loans (if I don’t get scholarship money somehow)… So what if I want to get married? These factors probably wont help me if I plan on starting a family by any means and besides that, they limit what sort of employment I choose to get. So as the writers of stories will tell you it appears that I’m a character facing a lot of conflict in order to get what I want. It makes for good story, but what about good life?

Currently I reading this book by 19th-century writer, John Henry Newman, called the Idea of a University. It has taken me a little bit to get used to the way he uses the English language, but despite the challenge it is definitely a great read. According to Newman a liberal arts education is a good in and of itself, besides sharpening the intellect and character and cultivating wisdom. Am I this romantic? My current answer is “yes,” at least I want to be. I wish I could explain more clearly what Newman is saying and what is on my own heart. I will endeavor to keep posts as I explore this issue and who knows maybe I will even come to a point where I have to change my mind. If you were me would you finish college, why or why not?

why go to church?

Gavin Kirk — Wed, 05 May 2010 17:29:50 +0000

This has been the question on my mind for a while. I don’t know yet if I have a satisfying answer to the question, but here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about: My main objection to going to church is that can’t I not do all that stuff on my own and do it the way I like it as opposed to the way it is dished out Sunday after Sunday? And honestly, there are Sundays were I don’t want to meet people at church, why go through the trouble? What if I’m tired of worship music and all the ceremony? “Well,” you might say, “Gav, you have a problem here. Doesn’t God want us to go to church?” I would reply that yes, I’d say God wants us to go to church, but why? I know this seems like a silly question, and maybe it is, but it is what I’ve been grappling with recently. Today while reading Ephesians the thought of my lousy church attendance popped in my head. This verse caught my attention:

“‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.’ Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5: 14-16.

I began to think that maybe my heart and mind had become dull to the issue at stake. That although my objections to worshiping with a community of believers (the church) on the sabbath were legitimate to the degree of my worldly thinking, they are not formidable objections from a spiritual point of view. In the verses preceding these in Ephesians there is talk of walking in the light and not taking part in the unfruitful works of darkness. I think that by going to church we are coming into contact with the ultimate reality of God and thus walking in the light. This happens as we celebrate Christ’s life. I think I’ve been more or less asleep to ultimate concerns recently, because I for some reason or another most of the time when I’m not involved in church I think about myself more than I think of God. When going to church, God is more likely the center of attention, which is where He belongs rightfully (“keeping your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith”(Hebrews 12: 2)). So this Sunday I will make an effort to wake up and go to church.

further reflections on first semester

Gavin Kirk — Wed, 05 May 2010 01:46:52 +0000

After many a run on the trails and roads around campus and quite a few walks by the Yellow Breeches River through out the semester, I’ve come to appreciate this place. At my better moments when I think of Messiah College I think of a quiet strength and gentle beauty tucked away in these rolling hills in central Pennsylvania. When Derek Webb came here to perform, he leaned in and said between songs “By the way, I get what you guys are saying here, and I like it. You have spirit.” I have to agree with him, there is spirit here, and it is uplifting. I’d like to think that I’ve caught some of it by osmosis, but I’m still learning to lean in. I think there is a sense of community here, which if I had to give one reason, it is the main reason why I liked Messiah in the first place. I don’t know much about the history of the college, and I’m definitely still learning about the current story, but I’d like to know more. I know that I have sought out a mentor and found one in a faculty member who has graciously carved out time for me weekly. Professors have made themselves available to talk to me outside of class about much or little at all. And perhaps what is most comforting is that I’ve felt welcomed by the students, my classmates. I am older than quite nearly all of them, but they can’t tell, and the few who do know have welcomed me nonetheless. I have even found one or two that have listened to me in times of need, and that has meant the world to me. Perhaps one of the difficulties of the semester has been committing to a church. I confess that there have been a lot of Sundays when I just have not wanted to go, which is not something that is good for one who wants to go to seminary to have to admit. Part of my struggle is about denomination. I question what denomination I would fit best in. The Episcopal Church is the one I grew up in and I like my Anglican roots, although I don’t know what fits me best. I’ve decided to give myself some time to decide. All and all, I really like Messiah College and am glad that I am here.

finishing the first semester

Gavin Kirk — Sun, 02 May 2010 16:15:12 +0000

“Patience is not indifference; patience conveys the idea of an im-mensely strong rock withstanding all onslaughts.” -Oswald Chambers

As my first semester at Messiah College comes to a close, I reflect to find that it has been one both of much change and of much waiting. I began the semester with my heart set on studying as a music major and of immediately finding a home for myself. Neither have come to pass. My music teacher advised me not to major in music because I had a weak sense of rhythm and did not do well under performance pressure. She told me that I would not have enough time to re-build a firm foundation in music if I were to do the major, because I would be so busy memorizing pieces and trying to reach the minimum requirements, whereas if I were to do the minor I would not have such requirements and could focus on details that would benefit me more in the long run. I seriously thought about quitting all together after I heard that. Had I wasted so much of my life on nothing? No, music is too close to my heart to give it up. I decided that although I would never become a professional musician, that I could still enjoy music the same way someone who enjoys to read novels in reading novels without having to worry about writing dissertations on literature. Also once I made the decision not to major in music, I felt a weight lift, and that was a good thing.

As far as finding a home here at Messiah College, I can’t say that I’ve completely felt at home since I’ve gotten here. Don’t get me wrong it has been a great place for me, but I’ve decided that it becoming home would be more of a gradual thing. I think everyone in a way desires a home. Some place of deep mercy, comfort, and peace. Of knowing that you are safe in God’s hands and heading in the right direction, if there is such thing as a right direction. Finding new friendships has been a thing that is requiring patience of me. Also of getting the idea of being a student again and being under deadlines.

I have decided to major in the liberal arts concentrating on philosophy and religious studies. I have been taking an intro to philosophy class this semester, and it has been really intriguing to me. I love the way philosophy makes you think. Also religious studies just because it is something that has always interested me. I am stepping into a whole new territory with these subjects in my life. But as I’ve met with professors and talked to them about my interests it has become clear that this path feels good. I’ve also been pondering seminary more and more, and I think it is my goal in finishing in college to get into seminary, outside of finishing my degree for the sake of an education in and of itself. I still feel like the future is open to many possibilities. I have also been thinking of the concept of education a lot, and the more I ponder it, the more meaningful it seems to me. I’m reading a bit of 19th-century prose by a man by the name of John Henry Newman called the Idea of a University, and it is amazing to discover how learning is important to God.

Another side note is that I met Donald Miller. He came to speak on campus and I got a book signed by him and my picture with him. It really made my day to meet an author who has had such a tremendous impact on my life. I don’t think I ever would have moved to Oregon even if it weren’t for reading his book Blue Like Jazz. His writing has also been so significant in the shaping and sustaining of my faith. I was wide eyed and nervous when it came my turn to meet him.

God’s peace to you.

habakkuk

Gavin Kirk — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 15:21:50 +0000

This morning as I open my bible I flip to Habakkuk and read the last few lines:

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

he makes my feet like the deer’s;

he makes me tread on my high places.”

~Habakkuk 3: 17-19a

If I take this book seriously, the bible, if I listen to it’s words and consider them as holy, then I find myself thinking “God, I can barely stand so and so, (whatever the sad story is), but the world doesn’t hinge on me, it hinges on you. Even though I feel weak and vulnerable in this world You, Yahweh, will be my strength, you will bring me to the higher places of the soul.” I don’t think this prophet is saying that God is his opiate, his pain is valid, crippling, painful pain. He is not saying that he’s not hurting, he is saying that he has a God who is going to get him through this no matter what it takes.

I think that I read this today in the morning before I start my day, knowing the pain I face today, but knowing it is relatively little pain. Understanding in the grand scheme of things the sorrow I have experienced is small today. But reading this I know that Habakkuk has found the path of life. I can’t explain how I know, I just have faith in my heart in this robust and deep expression of faith that is written here… As I walk on the path of faith and pray for sanctification in the dark places of my soul, I pray for the same heart has Habakkuk.